It is Monday morning. I got up from bed after a horrible night. I was tormented by the thoughts in my mind. I wanted to sleep but I had to get up, had to go to listen that stupid Psychology lecture. After 2 minutes I couldn't take it anymore and had to leave from lecture. I need to be there but I came to computer instead. I'm stuck, again, in that vicious circle which has destroyed my last few years. I have tried to seek help but no-one understands, no-one can help me.  This is not so true , i know i can help myself. Forget about the people i know that never really cared anyway. Life is the same scam i thought it always was. Why is everyone always trying to prolong my life in hell?

Again i struggle, but now i do siliently. I think of all my mistakes and how i have been stupid to comunicate this to people.  Why do not  know how to shut up. Perhaps i do not not want to do it, or maybe i am so close i am scared,I do not tell Master. Lately he has been talking about all the crazies on the net . How ashamed i am to be one of them. I wonder if he left me would he call me crazy. Maybe it would be easier if he hated me. I hate when i get this way, i hate when all i can see is darkness, and everyone else is talking of fucking light. I have reasons for living, but i have a hell of lot more for wanting to end it all. I want to shake myself and tell myself to wake up. My chidren are beautiful , they do not deserve this from me. Master as been caring and understanding , He does not deserve this either from me. How can i serve him when half the time i am so fucked up? I think he is giving me a lot more freedom then i need. At time i feel his Domanance over me , other times i do not think he gives a crap. I think it is time i checked the mirror, i believe it is me not him. There must be a reason so many want to cyber with me, and damn half the time i am so lonely it even seems tempting. Is that how a slave acts, somehow i hardly think so. So Master has not wanted to play for so long, what so big about that. Oh i know i am scared of him wanting to eventially being nothing more then good friends with me.  I have asked him about this and he says it is not me he is bored with. I guess it is the computer. Sometimes i just think being a Master as worn of to him. i do not feel like i am growing anymore, i just feel stuck in the same place. why do i feel this way? Maybe because i chose to see the truth instead of believing the lies.

Well i actually feel better now. Damn Sunshine...lol ....